I’m writing here tonight because it has been a while and I am in a good mood. I’ve actually been feeling better lately. I was super stressed for a little while, then I had pains in my stomach, then my cat passed away. A few negative things happened in a short period of time and I was really down. My eyes were dark and dry from crying so much. Now I am bouncing back.
I miss my cat a lot. She was my little roommate. It’s only been 11 days; I’m still not used to her not being around. I had her cremated so she is still here with me. I may release the ashes somewhere nice next summer, but for now I want her with me. I had her for 16 years and she moved out with me when I went on my own several years ago. So it does feel a bit lonely not having my cat friend around. She was tough and stubborn. She still meowed for food that morning even though she couldn’t eat it and she still tried to come out and see me when I came home from work even though it took her a while and she could barely stand. She tried to stand all throughout the evening up until she just couldn’t anymore. During the final attempt to stand I put my hands underneath her so she could fall back down gently and I made myself a little bed beside her and stayed with her until the end. I am extremely grateful to have been there for her.
On a more cheerful note; I am enjoying my new apartment. It is a bit cheaper than the last one but a bit bigger. I love that I have a pantry. I still have work to do as far as decorating and arranging goes but I love to do that. The living room is really nice, I will show it off once it is complete. I am enjoying being in a new neighborhood. It’s refreshing to have a change of scenery and new areas to explore.
I’ve tried modeling two times so far and I’ve taken my own pictures. I am wearing more tight fitting clothes too. I’ve come a long way with that. I used to hide my body in baggy clothes for years. In grade 10 for the entire year I wore an over-sized hoodie and PJ pants. For two years when I lived in Fredericton, I wore skirts everyday… I hated my skinny legs and hid them. I’m wearing things now I would never have worn just a year ago. I’m being bold despite still not being 100% comfortable in my body. I am accepting that it is mine and that is possible for me to change it and I will. I haven’t given up on my weight gain goal but I am learning to live with I have and to have fun with it.
I start school next week. I am both excited and nervous. I am only taking one class this time and I will continue to work 5 days a week. I’ll be good and busy.
It’s been about a month since I’ve been to the gym BUT I have been working out at home and that I have been enjoying quite a bit. I have been keeping busy overall and that is such an improvement for me.
When you are feeling down don’t stay in one spot. You need to get out and move. If you really can’t bring yourself to go out then at least move within your home, watch something, read something, do something! It’s when you do nothing that you fall into despair and can’t escape. You’ve got to keep moving!
This post turned out a bit messy I suppose; just a random update.
So far this year I haven’t reached my weight gain goal but I have strengthened mentally, especially recently. I tried something new; modeling and moved to new area. That for me is important progress.